Adolescence: Dependent Wasteland or Preparation for Adulthood?

This blog post continues the discussion first presented in Teens and the BioSocial MisMatch: the period of adolescence does not match the biological development of teens.  An excellent book on this topic is Escaping the Endless Adolescence: How We Can Help Our Teenagers Grow Up Before They Grow Old by Joseph A. Allen, PhD and Claudia W. Allen, PhD.  Based on their years of experience working with troubled teens, the Allens have concluded that many of the difficulties of adolescence are due to parental and societal efforts to control teens by keeping them in a dependent, childlike state rather than encouraging teens to develop independent, adultlike behaviors.

Many high school administrators are among the worst offenders in this regard.  I have been shocked to hear principals and school counselors refer to young adults aged 16 to 18 as “kiddos” or “boys and girls”.  Is it any wonder they react poorly to the rules and regulations of schools and fight back with disruptive behavior.  What adult appreciates being spoken to by a supervisor in a belittling manner?  If we want teens to be cooperative and behave in more mature ways, wouldn’t it be wiser to treat them more as adults and less as preschoolers?

As the Allens point out, if teens do not always act in mature ways it “…may well be partly brought about by living with developing capacities that are near adultlike, while moving about in a world that on a day-to-day basis treats one largely as a big child.” (p.128)  When the adults change their behavior, changes in teen behavior will follow.

How do we get teens to behave in a more responsible manner?  By giving them choices based on the level of maturity shown in their behavior.  If a daughter wants a later curfew, then she needs to demonstrate responsible behavior (e.g. doing school work and chores) for a period of time that gives her parents confidence that the she is ready to handle a later curfew.  “Freedom should be linked to behavior.” [p. 136, italics in original.]  First the behavior improves, then more freedom is given.

However, learning to make wise choices needs to begin in childhood.  Waiting until adolescence makes it much more difficult.  For instance, let a preschooler decide what he wants to wear.  So what if it doesn’t match?  The only person who is going to care is the parent.  And isn’t a little parental embarrassment (that no one else will probably notice) worth it if by the time the boy is an adolescent he knows how to make wise clothing choices without any parental input?  And if the parent is still choosing his clothes when he is 13, what does that say about the parent’s desire to control and even inhibit the growth of the teen?

Communication with teens can be a huge issue.  A way to solve communication problems is to speak to teens as one would to an adult friend or colleague.  If you speak to a teen in a way that you never would to a friend, you, the adult/parent, have a problem that you need to fix.  When you change your style of communication, it is probable that your relationship with the teen will improve.  Again, this type of communication should begin with young children.  Waiting until they are teens makes it much more difficult for the parent to change his/her communication style.

Treat your children, even toddlers, with politeness and respect.  Really listen to what they have to say.  Children who constantly demand a parent’s attention probably are not getting enough of the proper kind of attention.   Again, think about your friends and how you treat them when you converse.   If you are not treating children and teens in the same way you do your friends and colleagues, then you should not be surprised if you have problems with them.

What if you are doing all these things, but your teen still seems listless, apathetic, uninspired?  It is probably because the teen feels her life is pointless; that she does nothing to contribute to something outside herself.  This is when it is time to find a way to challenge your teen. “Teens thrive on challenge and need as much of it as we can provide.” [p. 177, italics in original.]  The current educational system provides little in the way of life-enhancing challenges.  Trying to stay awake (most high schools begin far too early for the adolescent biological clock), fight boredom, and get a good grade do not make for the type of challenges that will stimulate teens and encourage their success.  They want to be challenged in ways that will make a meaningful difference in the world of adults.  Education has to change if students are going to thrive and survive the many years it takes to get their high school diplomas and college degrees.  “If we accept that at least a two-year college degree is going to be important to thriving in the workplace of the twenty-first century, then our current system is an abject failure for more then [sic] 80 percent of the teens moving through it!” (p. 197)  [Also see my blog post Schools Should Spotlight Student Strengths for more of my thoughts on education.]

One program the Allens highlight appears to achieve a great deal of success with troubled teens through providing appropriate challenges: Youth Action Project  http://www.youthactionproject.org/  Teens volunteer and do meaningful work that makes a difference in someone’s life.  It is the type of work adults would do if the teen weren’t there. 

Adolescence should be a time where teens take on increasing responsibilities, develop independence, and achieve adulthood.  If this is not happening, it is up to the adults (parents, teachers, administrators, coaches) to rethink how they are treating and interacting with the teens.  Adult changes in their own behavior are necessary before we will see productive changes in adolescent behavior.